Stuff n things......

Yes, I'm still eating rice and beans.  I considered quitting once this week - it lasted from Tuesday to Saturday!  It was a pretty hard week, emotionally.  I realized that food strokes the little pleasure center in my brain quite well, and taking all the fun stuff away makes my happy place grouchy and empty.  I've woken up feeling frayed several days this week....quiet, introverted, a bit moody (or maybe a lot moody - you'd have to ask my family ;).  Mentally, I've processed a lot....I've puzzled till my puzzler was sore, as Dr. Seuss would say.   I'm happy to say that I woke up feeling great this morning, and am seeing a bit of colour returning to my world......

Can we move on?  I'd much rather talk about the pics on my camera than rice and beans, if you're ok with that.

The following is a bunch of randomness, pics that encapsulate snippets of our long weekend. Little bits of my life that remind me that there is more to goodness in this life than what I'm denying myself.....

This is one of our most recent projects.....we just put it up last week.  It's made out of plumbing pipes and pine boards.  It's been fun playing around with stuff to put on the shelves.  It's one of my happy places.

This was finished and brought into the house on Valentine's Day.  So I guess it's my Valentine's gift???  I'm not sure....I've always told Jeff to not buy me flowers for Valentine's Day and buying me chocolate this year would have been plain mean, so I'll give him points for this. I bought the frame at MCC, painted it ORB (Oil Rubbed Bronze) and Jeff cut, stained and varnished the wooden boards.  I love it!  He did a great job.  I put my feet up on the coffee table a few nights ago, sans blanket, and quickly got up and ran to Makenna's room to get a quilt that I made.....this coffee table was calling out for me to wrap myself in a homemade quilt....I'm considering making a quilt for the living room......for the coffee table.....because it asked me to......

Bam.  Closeup.  Love the knots.

 Mason and Taelyn had some projects going this weekend as well......this is Mason's village.  Taelyn's is visible on the bottom right of the plumbing shelf picture.  5 months of being locked in a house while winter takes a round out of us force us to become creative in our indoor entertainment.

Taelyn did some accessorizing in the kitchen, and added some colour to the dining area.

Makenna had her first-ever real, hard-core babysitting job this weekend.  To say she was excited about the cash is putting it mildly.  I told her to stop growing up.....my heart can't handle her being as tall as me and leaving me till 10:30 at night and being so very responsible and making me proud and heart-broken at the same time.

Random shot of Taelyn reading a bedtime story to the ever-smiling Rosie in our bed by the light of an LED candle.  A word about LED candles.  Best idea ever.  And that's coming from someone who loves simplicity and authentic candles.  Also a shout-out to Rosie - if I could only be half as loving and happy and smiley to those around me as Rosie has been to our family, this world would be a better place. 

Speaking of loving, our sweet Cane is love personified.  He loves us, and I know he loves you, too.   That's just how he is.  Here he is in our entrance.  It took two of us to drag/carry/schlapp him inside....and then he hid behind Taelyn's jacket.....he's a bit tentative being in the great indoors.

Unlike Wedgie.  Wedgie spends far more time inside than an outside cat should.  He has a 2' leash (piece of yarn) that keeps him from roaming.  Although Jeff, the cat-hater, has scooped him up and brought him to different parts of the house more than anyone......

Here's an artsy shot.  Shezam!  Isn't he beautiful? This is his smiley face..

I think Makenna and I were going for "mom and daughter look at each other lovingly"....or something.  I creep me out.  If that's my loving look, I really need to work on my body language. And my, those wrinkles on my forehead, some days, they don't leave even after I've stopped making a face.

Today we went playing in the snow by the drainage ditch near our house.  Such fun!  The snow was hip deep in many places.

I love how Cass, Rae and Makenna have such a close relationship.  So rich.

 One, two three, jump?  Or is it one two, jump?  Whatev, good times!

Here's the stop sign closest to our house.  It's ridiculous how much snow we have.  It makes me think of something I saw on Facebook this week.....a cartoon man says "I just finished shoveling the driveway....I guess I should go shovel the driveway."  Pretty much sums up this winter. :)  Says the girl who hasn't shoveled at all this winter.....heehee.....gotta love tractors....and husbands.

So, that's the randomness of the past few days.  Tonight we're going to my mom and dad's for a Valentine's supper....I'm officially out of beans at home, so mom is feeding me rice and beans at her house.....what a sweet, accommodating lady.

Over and out.

Dinasaur Breath and Randomness

Warning:  Gross alert.

Wow.  I woke up in the middle of the night because my breath was so bad, despite having brushed my teeth before bed.   And not because I ate guacamole last night (the onions and garlic in that are lethal!). No, I ate my 'usual' rice and beans.  I'm pretty sure my nasty tongue is reflecting the detoxing that's going on inside me right now - a side effect I didn't consider much before I started this challenge.  Being the stubborn mule that I am, I refused to get up to brush my  teeth, so I turned over so my back was facing Jeff so that I wouldn't blast him out of bed with my dragon breath, and slept off and on the rest of the night, continuously waking up from my breath.  Seriously, my breath kept on waking me up!  I woke up this morning with a nice, nasty looking tongue (white-ish coated), and a pasty feeling like I had recently rolled my tongue in a plate of white flour. It's something I've experienced several times while fasting in the past.  I decided it was a great opportunity to oil pull.  Have you heard of it?  There's a bunch of websites that pop up, if you google "oil pulling".  The basic premise is that there are a bunch of toxins and bacteria floating around our bodies (makes sense so far), and many land up in our mouth (okay), and by swishing, sucking, or "pulling" small amounts of oil through our teeth, we remove many of those toxins from our body, and we live a disease-free life and one day die healthy.  Or something. There's a whole lot more to it than that, but that's "oil pulling in one sentence". The claims made regarding the benefits of oil pulling are pretty extreme, for those who believe in it.  I'm not sold on the idea, partially because it is gross swishing oil around in my mouth for 10-20 minutes at one time; however, I thought my mouth could use a bit of extra lovin' this morning, so I gave it a shot.  I assume/hope that what I spit out at the end of 12 minutes would have killed my cat had I fed it to him (don't get me wrong, I love my cat, and I wouldn't feed him sesame oil spit - I just hope that my 12 minutes of swishing accomplished something!).

My kids are really great.  This morning, I made them saskatoon pancakes.  Apparently, they turned out well,  because Taelyn and Mason kept taking turns saying how they tasted soooooo good, and then the other one would remind the first "Sssshhhhhh!  Don't tell mom that it's yummy!"  They're so considerate and helpful. Taelyn is marking the days on the calendar until I can eat "normal" food again. A few days ago, Makenna had an eyelash on her cheek, and so, naturally, she made a wish.  Her wish was that February would be over soon, for my sake.  While I am not looking for any sympathy or pity during this experiment, (after all, it was my choice),  they are doing their part to make me feel very supported.  I am also loving the comments they make regarding my food, and ultimately, what it is a reflection of.  The comments reflect that they are giving some consideration to how others live and how privileged they are.  It's one thing to talk about world hunger at the supper table.  It's another thing to eat homemade pizza, salad and fresh pineapple while the person across the table is eating rice and beans....again. 

I am attending a breakfast at church this weekend.  Because I am a table leader, I feel compelled to attend; however, I'm not very interested in explaining my food plan to everyone I meet.  That said, I will not veer from my original plan, and hope that my cup of tea will look like a plate of food to all I encounter. :)

And now, lunch time.

Why are you doing this?

Why am  I doing this?  Good question.

I read a book recently.  The book is called More or Less, subtitled Choosing a Lifestyle of Excessive Generosity, written by Jeff Shinabarger.  I had never heard of the book, or the author, but I had a huge, resounding "yes" in my heart to what I hoped would be inside its cover.

I was born into a first-world country. My reality is that I can turn on the tap at any time and water comes out.  Clean, tested-in-a-lab-for-safety drinking water.  Though I have looked into my closet a million times and muttered "I have nothing to wear", the reality is, in fact, I have lots to wear.  If I need to do a grocery run, I have been known to say "there's nothing to eat in the house" when in reality, there are potentially dozens of meals in my freezer and pantry.  And we own three vehicles, and there are two drivers in our home.

You see, there is this thing called "enough". It is when one has what one needs to live in a sustainable, healthy manner.

And then there is a thing called "suffering".  It is what one has when one does not have enough to meet one's needs.  It's where a startling percentage of the world lives.  It is a percentage I all-too-often avoid because it leaves me feeling too helpless...guilty.

And then there is "excess".  It is where I have lived all my life.  On a scale of 1 to 10, with extreme suffering being a 1 and excess being a 10, I am a 12.  Excess food, water, clothing, square footage, property, vehicles, medical care, education, social support systems....yup, I've got it all, right down to an electric clothes dryer.

It made me wonder.  Would I be able to, in one area of my life, scale back my excess so that I would be teetering on "enough"....not suffering, but not excessive extras either.   Or am I so entrenched in what I think I need that having just enough is not enough for me?  How much is enough? 

And so, this experiment.

I considered other experiments.....getting rid of clothing or wearing a small percentage of my wardrobe for a set period of time (but I've done this before and actually enjoy it too much!), denying myself a vehicle for a  time (that one quickly was nixed because it inconvenienced others around me, and I didn't want to infringe on the freedoms of others - I wanted this experiment to challenge and confront me), other types of food fasts, but the one I chose stood out clearly as the one I wanted to do.  Because I was not following someone else's plan, I could decide what my parameters would be, what would and would not be allowed.  The details fell into place immediately after I decided that I would commit.  Oatmeal (prepared without milk), dried beans, rice, carrots, broccoli, a maximum of one banana per day , and unflavoured black or green tea. All the foods were chosen because they are inexpensive and easily accessible.  Oatmeal was chosen because it seemed to be similar to the corn mush porridge that I read about in my online research and because it's bland and utilitarian.  Rice and beans were chosen because they are the iconic staple in many areas of the poor world.  Carrots and broccoli were chosen because I wanted to include a vegetable, simple as that. I don't want to have scurvy on Valentine's Day, ok?? (I have not had broccoli yet.  I may or may not remove it from my list of approved foods).  Bananas seemed to be accessible in many parts of the world, so I chose that as a fruit.  Plain tea was chosen because it seemed to be fairly common globally.

What do I hope to gain?

- I hope to gain a new awareness, appreciation and deep gratitude for all that I've been blessed with.
- I hope to gain a deeper empathy for the suffering my brothers and sisters across the world face each day.
- If my children would observe my experiment and gain any of the above for themselves, I would be insanely pleased.
- I hope to ditch some of the attachments I have to food.  I think I may need to rely on Jesus in ways I haven't before.  And that's gotta be a good thing, right?
- I pray that something inside me will be changed, causing me to live more open-handed - more generously, more lovingly - towards those in my sphere of influence.  That I would recognize areas where my excess could alleviate someone's suffering..
- Love.  That's really what it's all about for me. I want to "love my neighbour as myself".  I want to know what that looks like.  And I want to have the courage and wisdom to live that way.



PS.  Yesterday, while Makenna and I were driving to Winnipeg, I was asking her if she thought I should be allowed to buy my food from a restaurant, or if I should only prepare my food myself.  She thought I should be able to buy it from anywhere, but I hesitated.  As it turned out, on day one of my challenge, I purchased a medium green tea from a Tim Horton's drive thru.  I'm Canadian, eh?

Putting my toes in the water

Day 1...7:00 am.

I awoke early this morning.  I had a dream last night.  In my dream, I ate cottage cheese for  breakfast (I know, it's the stuff nightmares are made of!!).  Only after I had eaten it did I remember that my diet was not a "gluten-free"diet, but a "sponsor child" one.  I felt really bad that I had messed up, on day one, no less!  When I awoke, I was glad that it had been a dream.

Today, I plan to go to Winnipeg with Makenna for the day.  One of the highlights of the day is to go out for lunch.  I loved these outings with my mom as a kid, and now, as a parent, it's so much fun to do the same with my daughter.  It is with one part feeling silly and one part determination that I pack my rice and beans to take with me. I feel a little white-knuckled right now...all senses are on alert, looking for all the potential traps and temptations and situations that will support my failure in this experiment.  I'll need to calm down, that's for sure, or I'll be a twitching mess by Monday. :)

Gum.  That's what I need.  I'll chew gum today.  I suppose it's not something a child across the world would have much access to, but it may help my impulse control.  It's either that or a muzzle.

Wish me luck.

 -

lunch

My (ahem)....Experiment

 "Those who want to do right more than anything else are happy, 

because God will fully satisfy them."  Jesus

I've come to a decision in the past few days. 

For the month of February (beginning February 1),  I aspire to eat a diet similar to that of my sponsor children.  It's a simple experiment, but simple doesn't always mean easy.

My goal is to limit my food options to oatmeal, rice, beans, bananas, carrots and broccoli.   I will drink water and unflavoured black or green tea.  To be honest, I haven't decided yet if I will be allowed sugar in my oatmeal or tea, or if I will allow seasonings/herbs in my rice. I am the type of person who can allow indecision in those types of details to sway me from starting something, so I am choosing to work out those small kinks along the way.

In the coming days, I will unpack some of my reasons for this experiment, explain why I chose the foods that I did, as well as blog about my day-to-day experiences on this little adventure.  For today, writing down this goal helps to solidify my resolve.  And for today, that is enough.

Day 1, I'm coming after you!

What would you do?

So, this morning, I was doing my weekly run around town, doing errands, grocery shopping, etc.  As I was returning my shopping cart at the grocery store, I noticed someone had left their cart in the cart drop-off area, but had not retrieved the loonie in the slot.

My immediate thought....."score!"

I locked up my cart, and looking around to make sure there were no "Just for Gags" cameras around, I locked up the other cart and stuffed the loonie in my pocket. 

Finders keepers, losers weepers.

I sat in the van, thinking about what I had just done.  Something in me niggled.    Have you ever had a niggle?  If life has taught me anything, it's to listen to the niggle. No loonie is worth the cost of carrying around a niggle. So, I picked up the loonie (a shiny 2013 model!) and climbed out of the van, and stuck it back into the shopping cart.  By now, I was feeling a little stupid for unlocking a cart and purposely leaving it there, but whatever. No sooner had I climbed back into the van when I spotted another shopper approaching the cart dropoff.  Her eyes immediately caught sight of the loonie (I was parked a few feet from her, so I could watch her).  After a quick look to the left and right, she snatched that loonie faster than you can say "heywhereyagoinwiththat". I don't judge her.  Two minutes earlier, that was me.

It just makes me think.  Would it have been wrong to take the loonie?

Doughnut Debut

Yesterday, the kids woke up to their favourite saying...."school's cancelled".   The road past our house was blown completely shut, so much, in fact, that I let the kids play in the snow drifts on the road. 

This picture was taken down the road from our house yesterday
after the snow plow had come past.

Later on in the day, Makenna asked if we could make doughnuts. We've been meaning to make them for a long time, but have never gotten around to it.  I think I was secretly hesitant to fry them in oil.  First, because I like our house, and I don't want to burn it down, and second, actually seeing stuff floating around in hot yellow oil is kind of gross - even Mason thought so, and he's a nine-year-old boy, so that ought to count for something.  I can't imagine what that stuff does to the inside of our arteries.  I picture stuff like bacon fat at room temperature clinging to the insides of my body. Blech. But I digress.

We went online and found a recipe that looked doable.  I'll spare the details of  how we made them because the website has great instructions.  Basically, it's not much different from making buns.  Mix up stuff, wait, wait, wait, make doughnut shapes, wait, wait, wait, cook. And then the best part.  Feast.  And feast we did.  Well, we feasted one doughnut each.

This is what happened when I said "who wants to try one?" (Funny how they don't seem to hear me on the first try when I mention the dishwasher needs emptying)

A little closer shot, without 15 fingers in the way....

And one more, because I said so.

My overall impression?  They were super tasty.  The glaze was great, the texture was good, and we were pretty impressed that they even kind of looked like real doughnuts.  One word of caution, though - they do take a long time to make, with all the waiting for them to rise and all.  And don't even get me started on how utterly void of nutrition they are. 

So, there you have it.

Oh, and because we didn't have an actual doughnut shape cutter, we used a big circle cookie cutter for the outside, and a lipstick lid for the doughnut holes.....yes, we are exceptionally cool and resourceful.

 I can't get the song by "The Donut Man" out of my head......"there's a hole in the middle of your heart...."

Horsing Around

After finally finishing our pet fence, a couple of weeks ago, we were able to do the fun part - put something in the fence!  After a little deliberation, we decided on miniature horses. There is a horse hobby farmer, a few miles from our house, who was willing to sell one, so we surprised the kids with the announcement one Saturday afternoon.  We piled into a vehicle, and drove to the farm to let the kids pick one out.  But, when we got there, we were distracted by the greatest thing....a brand spankin' new baby foal.  This baby was so new, its legs were still in the sac attached to the placenta.

This sweet little girl went from being born, to doing the splits for us, to tentatively standing up in under 15 minutes.

Anyway, back to business!

This is who the kids picked......everyone, meet Caramel Candy.  Caramel, meet blogland!  Caramel is two years old. 

And, because horses don't like to be lonely, we "borrowed" another horse from the farmer for the summer to keep Caramel company.  Meet Honeybunch, Caramel's sleepover buddy.

Note:  We did not name these horses.  They were named when we got them.  It took a while for Jeff and I to say the names without asking for a glass of milk right after, but we're doing better now.

Let the fun begin!

In this moment, I am.....

exhaling - after a busy enough weekend. 

recovering still - from the sleepover from Friday to Saturday at the Manitoba Museum with Makenna and 50 grade five students. This morning, she said to me "mom, I don't think it's a good idea that they let us stay up so late at the museum".  "Why's that?" I ask.  "Because it takes too long for me to recover".  Wait till you're as old as mom, sweetheart.  It gets worse.

hoping - Makenna makes it through her day.  She was pretty tired this morning.  I sent her to school with a cheerful pep talk, an advil and two cough candies.  Not my usual style, but it's what worked today (usually I yell and give her an injection.  I'm kidding, all you peeps with CFS on speed dial).

loving - the interaction that I have with so many people when I volunteer at the Perk, our church's coffee shop.  It's so much fun being friendly, isn't it?!  I find it energizing.

enjoying - no, obsessing over, the leftover orzo and spinach salad that friends made for us yesterday, which I finished at breakfast this morning, thank you very much. 

reflecting - on the great time we had at said friends house yesterday.  Good food, good conversation, great people, new connections.  Love it.

wondering - if we stayed too long - is 8 hours too long to stay at someone's house if it's your first time there?  Yeah, my mom thought so too.

so excited - that we were invited, by one of the owners of Bumpers, to attend an employee training evening a couple days before opening, during which we order anything off the menu and get it at half price!  The kids have been counting down the days till that place opens, and it was really exciting for them to learn that 5 days became 3 overnight!

planning - to have a home-alone, housewife-y day today.  Go for a walk, have devotions, make food, do laundry, clean up, laundry, make food, clean up, clean up, clean up.  We'll see what actually happens

looking forward to - cheering Mason on from the sidelines during baseball this year.  It's his first year playing and tonight is his first practice. So sweet.  He may think it's grown up and manly, but you and I both know it's adorable. ;)

still not sure - which glove he's going to use tonight.  In all the excitement, we forgot to buy him a glove, so the poor guy will have to borrow either mine or Jeff's tonight.  I know, who signs their kid up for baseball, and doesn't get him a glove, right?  I hang my head in shame.

anticipating - a great evening with fantastic girlfriends on Wednesday.  Never a letdown.

loving - Where would we be, by Matt Redman.  Whenever I hear the song, I am taken back to my fantastic experience in the church easter choir this year.  All five services. I was standing in front of the tenors, who, in my humble opinion, get to sing the best part of any harmony. I hear this song, and in my head, I hear the guys behind me belting it out. They sounded. so. good. At least from 12 inches away.

remembering - how Mason brought Jeff and I each a toasted egg sandwich in bed yesterday morning at 7:25.  Mayo on Jeff's, no mayo on mine "cuz I don't think you like mayo on your toasted egg sandwiches, right mom?"  He's so sweet and thoughtful.  And he soon may have a hole worn through his cheek from all the kisses I give him.

wishing you - a great day.  I challenge you to see the beauty and goodness around you today.  If you look for it, you'll find it.  It even works for you, my masculine, tough-as-nails readers.

Makenna turns Eleven!

Yesterday was Makenna's birthday.  I am the very proud mama of a gorgeous 11-year old girl.

She planned a birthday party for herself, which took place on Monday.  She invited four friends - three from school, one from church. Oh, and she insisted that Mason and Taelyn be there, which tickled me to no end. The menu:  chicken nuggets and curly fries (health was not really a consideration, I can see).  And rainbow-stuck-in-the-clouds cupcakes that everyone would make themselves.  And mom would hide goodie bags in really hard places outside.  Other than that, she wanted to have free time to play outside. 

That was her plan, and that's exactly what happened.  The weather turned out to be great for playing outside, so they played Man Hunt for much of the time (kind of like Hide and Seek, but with more screaming and running involved.  Then again, any time a bunch of girls get together, there's a lot of screaming).


And she huffed and she puffed and she BLEW the candles out

 Yesterday, on her "real" birthday, we had a low-key family celebration, as per her plan.  She picked the meal again - black bean and brown rice enchillada casserole (healthier this time!!!) and coleslaw and icecream (to balance out the health?).  We stuck her candles in the icecream and sang happy birthday again.  We played Dutch Blitz, checked out our new pets (more details in another post), tickled her till she was gasping, and stuck her to bed. She fell asleep in under 15 minutes. Turns out 11-year-olds  need sleep, too.

She has one more birthday plan up her sleeve.  It involves grandmas and grandpas and papas and a soon-to-open icecream shop called Bumpers.

March Highlights

• March was a smorgasborg of weather.  Our garage floor reflected this well.  There were winter boots, rubber boots, runner, sandals, and crocs strewn everywhere....and they were all worn within one week of eachother!!
• We bought the kids a motorbike.  A Honda XR-80, to be specific. While Makenna thought it was great, Mason had a complete panic attack when he saw it on the back of the truck.  I think he smiled in his sleep the whole night.  We've known for a long time that he'd loooooove a dirtbike, but he hasn't harassed us about it at all.  The night we brought the bike home, Jeff was tucking him in, and Mason said "not begging really works, Dad.  I get almost everything I want by not begging."  Ahem.
• Makenna went to school wearing sandals, shorts and a toque.  That struck me as funny.
• Jeff and the neighbourhood pyromaniac set fire to our pet pasture.  We were surprised it burned as quickly as it did.  The fire burned in a location on our yard that is sometimes wet until June.  This fire was lit one week after the snow began to melt.  See the snow in the first picture of this post?  That photo was taken exactly one week before the fire pics.  It was the fasted spring melt of my life, that's for sure. 
• I completed my first entire year as a full-time Discovery Time teacher at Green Valley School.  What a fascinating group of kids.
• I reached the half-way point to my goal of recording 1000 "gifts" or small blessings in my life (inspired by the book "One Thousand Gifts", by Ann Voskamp).  Here's a small snippet from March as I cross the halfway mark....

#500  Sitting on the deck with Jeff, Gary and Earlene last night - love the spontaneity and casual atmosphere
#501 Walking barefoot on a snowhill
#502  Friends who came over for lunch "spur of the moment"
#503  Sitting in silence, alone, on a chair on the deck
#504  Bear sleeping in a little patch of sunshine on the landing
#505  My window is open!!!  Sweet spring breeze.
#506  Taelyn and Tyler swinging on the tire swing together....an unexpected, sudden friendship
#507  A brother speaking so kindly to my little girl
#508  The bands of coral and pink across the sky at sunset
#509  Another evening of fantastic conversation with dearly loved girlfriends
#510  A MIL who found the perfect pair of ski pants for Mason at MCC
#511  An impromptu walk in Steinbach with a treasured friend
#512  The alpine currants are budding
#513  Birds chirping!  Meadowlarks singing!  Welcome welcome!!
#514  The freedom that comes from forgiveness
#515  Seeing his eyes light up when he saw me
#516  Yellow rubber boots

Happy Spring!

How many Rempels does it take to build a fence?

Well, the answer is 4, plus one person to photograph the process and a city-dog-in-the-country acting as supervisor. 



Who says you can't wear PJ's on the job?  Not me, obviously!





Safety shoes?



In our backyard, we have a chicken coop that attaches to a smaller fenced-in area that we have affectionately named the pet pasture (yes, we're very creative).  The thing is, the fenced-in area has never been entirely fenced in, and it never contained any pets (turns out the name was creative, after all!).  Last weekend, in a spurt of energy, Jeff and the kids determined to work on the fence (ok, Jeff determined, and the kids worked). The posts had been pounded earlier (as in 2010 or 2011 - hey, Rome wasn't built in a day!!). Before long, with lots of teamwork, the corners of the fence were solid, and all that was left to do was attach the page wire to the posts.  Page wire, as you may suspect, ensures the fence is mostly predator-proof.  Earlier this week, Jeff finished off the wire.  We're installing a walk-in gate to make the pet pasture really user-friendly.  We want to encourage friends and family to visit whoever is inside the pasture, at their leisure  This fence has been on our "to-do" list for a long time, so it's great to see it actually materialize.  Next on our list.....put a pet in the pet pasture.

"She is my Child"

Today, I came across a journal entry that I wrote in May of 2010.  As I read it, I was surprised that only two short years ago, some of the things I wrote about were new concepts to me. I'm so excited about the journey God is leading me into, and looking back, I realize I'm actually in a different place than I used to be.  I'm curious to know where I'll be in two years from now! Am I sure of everything I know?  No.  Do I sometimes feel my way in the dark?  Absolutely.  Do I doubt what I think I know?  Without a doubt (pun intended). 

Over the past couple of years, I've discovered that there is usually a question behind my questions.  God rarely answers my surface question.  But what He does answer touches my core, shows His intimate knowledge of me, shows Himself to be exceedingly gentle and ultimately GOOD.  His answer is always waaaay better than the question I'm asking.

I must also include a caveat about my daughter, Makenna. She is (and was) a beautiful, happy, respectful, content child. The "attitude" that I'm referring to is within the "normal" ranges of a girl her age.  She has also given me permission to write about this.

I humbly submit my journal entry from that spring evening in 2010 when a tired, frustrated mom brought a question to the God of the universe, and He gave ear to her voice.

I curl up in bed beside my sleeping 9-year-old, ideas from the book I've just closed churning in my head.  I am intrigued by the concept of practically including God in the mundane, day-to-day choices in my life.  My faith is increasing.  Unbelief is receding.  I believe God has answers for me and is willing to guide me.  So I lay in my daughter's bed, disturbed by a question I've asked since she was a toddler.  What are we going to do about her attitude?  The angry outbursts?  Nothing we're doing seems to be working long-term. 

So, I take a tentative step, I present a question... "God, what would you like to say to me about Makenna?".  Pause.  I sense a response. "She is my child". I repeat it out loud.  "She is your child." I feel a bit silly, like I'm in Communication 101.  Ask a question.  Listen.  Repeat back what you heard.  I'm "hearing" the basics, simple facts I've known my whole life.  I mean, many people I know would not consider it newsbreaking to discover that their child was God's. I resist the intrinsic impulse to dismiss the thought as my own.  To mock it.  Discredit it.  I repeat it silently, all the while staring at my sleeping treasure, blonde ringlets trailing down the side of her warm cheek.  "She is your child".  As I sit with the thought for a short while, however, I become overwhelmed by the implications of that statement.  In this moment, I realize much of my parenting in this area is fear-based - I want to control....my internal thoughts sound something like this..."what will we do to get rid of her attitude? We have to do it soon.  She'll be a teenager soon.  It'll just get worse.  We won't have a good relationship with her.  She'll rebel.  Is her heart even soft towards God, or is she mechanically and dutifully parroting the answers and worldview we are teaching her?"  Wow, pretty big stuff.  To a mom.  Jeepers. Where is all this coming from?

How on earth did posing one simple question and hearing one seemingly over-simplified answer cause so much fear and inadequacy to surface inside me? 

This is what I am learning.  That God brings up those negative feelings and long-stored memories inside me for a purpose...to heal me.  To dispel fear. To replace lies with truth.  To free me.

In that moment, I realize that God knows the question that's behind what I'm asking.  I'm asking for a method, something that I can do to get my kid under control.  Control the behaviour.  I'm looking for a solution, but I'm asking for a bandaid. But He wastes no time.  He's not into beating around the bush.

His comfort washes over me as the truth of "she is my child" settles inside me.  It's difficult to describe, but knowing that it's not all up to me relieves tremendous pressure.  It goes against my "if I won't do it, who will" attitude.   I can exhale.  I can rest.  "Yes God, you love her more than I do. I'm not alone in this.  She belongs to you.  I entrust her to you."  Receiving that message takes the pressure off parenting and "getting it right".  Yes, I'm still responsible to parent my child to the best of my ability, but God is not meeting with me to discuss all the ways I can improve.  Instead, God tugs me towards Himself.  I learn to trust Him with my heart a bit more, and out of that restored self (because being close to Him always restores us in some way, you know), I am able to parent my child with love and freedom, free from fear and perfectionism. Free to not control.  Free to lavish grace on my child. 

I pause momentarily, aware for perhaps the first time, that God really knows me better than I know myself.  His words cut to the core of who I am.  He can meet my deepest, unmet, silent longings.  And He is so gracious, gentle, and comforting. That's what always surprises me. He wants to erase my fears.  I'm beginning to think I may be able to entrust my heart to Him, after all.

First Scrabble Word - "No"

She was so very proud of her very first word that she came up with all by herself, I didn't have the heart to break it to her.