This spring, my son presented me with a robin egg he found, abandoned, in the grass. As I was admiring its beauty, I was struck with the sudden thought "you will only experience your potential through brokenness". This egg, which was smooth and beautiful and stained the most brilliant of shades, actually represented death, unfulfilled dreams. A wasted life. How sad, really. Only when the egg is broken, shattered and stained, does it result in the life it was intended for.
It nudged me to thinking about the thin veneer, or eggshell, in the lives of us humans. We all have an eggshell to a degree, don't we? We project ourselves according to other's expectations, we resist vulnerablity, we're interested in talking about our successes, but not our failures, we avoid painful subjects and the people who trigger them, we struggle to seek forgiveness, we question God when painful things come into our life, we say all is fine thank you very much, because we secretly believe our darkness, our ugliness, will be repulsive to those around us. And so we hide inside our beautifully crafted shell. We wax it, shine it up, fix up any cracks that threaten to cause our vulnerable, weak, fragile selves to be exposed to the world. We think we would be whole and happy if only we could avoid pain and brokenness.
And we don't realize that brokenness is the only path to life.
Even Jesus Christ was only able to fulfill his ultimate purpose through brokenness.... "this is my body, broken for you."
So I attempt to choose the path of vulnerability and humility more often. I beg my child for forgiveness because I have hurt them with my words. I humbly lean my head against my husband's chest and whisper "I was wrong". I confess the darkness in my heart to those around me, hanging on to the words of James, "confess your sins to each other....so that you may be healed" (5:16). It feels hard. I don't like the feeling of being broken, but it is the only way. To life, that is.
And I attempt to accept adversity in my life, humbly seeking to learn from it, grow from it, challenge my perceptions. I choose not to shake my fist at God, who allows the painful situation, and has the power to remove it from my life. I humbly acknowledge that I do not always know what is best for me. Lately, I've particularly enjoyed reading Job 38-41. It is God's response to Job's painful situation. And his situation is hard, isn't it? He's lost his kids, his servants, all his wealth, and his health.. Everything, it seems. And so I expect God's response to his cries should be laced with deep sadness and maybe even regret, right? But his response is startling - to me, at least. I can almost hear the gentle sarcasm (is that what it is?!) in His voice "Brace yourself like a man; I will question you and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!" (Job 38:3-5). "Have you entered the storehouses of snow? (22) Does the rain have a father? (28)Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens? (29) Can you lead out the bear with its cubs (32)Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens? (37) "Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!" (v 21). And God goes on, asking question after question, basically reading out a small part of His daily "to do" list....and Job's response in 40:4-5 is becoming mine - "I am unworthy - how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth, I spoke once, but I have no answer - twice, but I will say no more."
And so I strive to accept the pain in my life, hanging on to the belief that God has my best interest at heart, and this pain, this brokenness, will produce the life I was intended to live. That it is a necessary part of His plan for my life.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1: 2-4.
Brokenness. Not a popular word in today's society. But then, God's path is usually countercultural.
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