Pine smells like Pine!

"It still smells like pine", he murmurs quietly to himself.

The "he" is my husband. The "it" is our dining room table. He is sanding its' worn, bruised surface, methodically moving the sander back and forth along its' grain, stripping away the years of abuse our family has inflicted upon it.   Dents, scratches, paint from children's art projects, nail polish, and waxy, peeling varnish, are all gently sanded away to reveal the clear, fresh, natural pine beneath.

He straightens, looks at me.  "Smell it - it still smells like pine", he repeats.  I bend closer until the sharp, fragrant scent of pine fills my senses. So good.

In that moment, I am given a picture of hope for myself.

"You're a genius" I say to the hubs, "Do you know what you just said?"

He doesn't, but the implication burns in my mind, sparking hope. On it goes, into the night.  The next day. And the next.

I am like that table. 

I have scratches and bruises, dents and scars.   Added layers to conceal who I really am.

- I have been told hurtful things that I have allowed to shape how I see myself.  Conversely, I have experienced inflated, distorted views of myself by allowing a compliment to quickly take root in the prideful soil of my heart. 

I LOVE what I read recently in "The life you've always wanted" by John Ortbeg.  The author says the following:

"It is not another person's compliment or approval that makes us feel good; rather, it is our belief that there is validity to the compliment.  In  between other people's opinions of us and our pleasure in them is our assessment of the validity of their approval.  We are not the passive victim of others' opinions.  Their opinions are powerless untill we validate them.  No one's approval will affect us unless we grant it credibility and status.  The same holds true for disapproval."

I am the queen of deciding which voices in my life I will validate.

- I have missed opportunities.

- Guilt is my too-constant companion.

- I am sometimes afraid to voice my dreams. I bury them in responsibilities until I don't know what they are.  Which is easy to do in our culture.  There are a million voices calling us to distraction from self examination.

- I fear failure, and so I don't step out. I lack courage.

- I sometimes live to appease other people's expectations.  A simple compliment can cause me to feel pressure to consistently be what I've just been told I am.

All of these things act as layers that safely, or dangerously, coccoon who I really am.

Jeepers.  Sometimes, I am a mess. 

Please tell me you are, too!

But there is hope for me.  And you, too, if you're a disaster.

As I saw the sander revealing raw, unscathed pine on our table, I knew, in that instant, that the essence of who I am is still there.  Just like pine, when sanded down, gives off the aroma of what it truly is. 

I am inside me.  You are inside you.  Shocking, isn't it?

The person God envisioned me to be a bajillion years ago is who I am.  I am not who I think I am.  Which is good news, because I am sometimes very critical of myself (know anyone like that?)

I can dust off the dreams; re-ignite passions.

I can discover the truth about who I am.  In doing so,  the deep-rooted lies are dispelled and the freedom that comes from truth can be experienced. 

So, with my right hand raised,  my resolution is this:  I will resolve to smell like myself!